Life Just Tends To Screw Us Up

Who am i?

2012-02-10T02:57:00.002+08:00

This is not the first time such a question has cross through my mind. For a long time, i've been asking myself. Who am I? This might sound really stupid but it's true. I portray myself to others as a intelligent creative and quick thinking person, but in fact i'm just another guy seeking for attention. Craving for people's attention so i would feel special. In my mind, i know it is wrong to be what i am now but ever since young i've been doing so. Lying, hiding and twisting every words coming out of my mouth. I can't stop thinking why do i do what i do? Is it a habit? Or is it just what i truly am? A faker and a lying, a artificial person trying to make people think I'm genuine? I know most of the things i saw are not true, are all but lies to make people think i'm someone great. But is it really worth it? I can't sleep more often ever since that night. That night where i tried to create a therapist in my mind. Even in my mind, i'm a liar. How can i be true to myself when i can't even tell myself the truth. All those lies i've once told and retold, are constantly on my mind, the guilt i keep feeling are getting bigger and bigger. I'm not who i am but why do i want to be this person i'm not? I still don't have the answer to that. My chest and my shoulders are getting heavier from all this guilt. Why can't i stop lying? It doesn't make me feel any better but i still keep doing it. I really don't know what to do now, sitting here and talking to you is my only option left at this time but i know you can't help me. I can't tell anyone the lies i've once told, no one would ever believe me anymore. Frankly... I pity the boy who cried wolf, i guess i know how he really felt now. The grief and anguish from everyone once they found out. Sigh. I just wish i could let it out, but to whom? No one would ever look at me the same. I really don't know what to say anymore, i guess.... My existence in this world is just unnecessary, i really feel like giving it all up. On life itself, but i'm afraid of death. And the aftermath it will cause on this world. Why didn't it just ended it then? During the car crash. But i guess, if i did i wouldn't realize about this. Maybe God is just making me suffer for what i've once done, and what i'm doing. It's the only conclusion that makes sense, i guess. Whatever it is, i just wish someone could help me. I don't like what i am now, and i don't know how to turn it all around. Someone out there, please help me. I cannot go through with all this guilt. I cannot take it anymore. Please help me.

Decision.

2012-01-13T02:06:00.002+08:00

I don't know who to turn to anymore, the more i seek for advise the more doubtful my choices are. Thank you for always being here for me, my old friend. I really don't know what to do anymore. To let go or to hang on. I truly love her, regardless of how stressful and how painful it is at times but i still love her no matter what. My friend, what am i suppose to do? I've told myself this.. A selfish man would hold on to what's dear to him but harm it at the same time, but a selfless man would let go on what's dear to him and harm him instead of it. My heart is telling me not to let go for i may regret but what if holding onto her is what is making me regret instead? We've been together for more than a year now and i've brought nothing but sadness to her. Nothing but lies and deceit, pain and agony, suffering and despair. Though she says i've given her joy and happiness but through what she has said earlier... I've sense no happiness. No joy. No love. I've given her nothing but i've gain everything. I've been a selfish man for a year and yet have not seen the truth till today. My friend... What must i do? To continue to be a selfish man i was, or be a selfless man and give up my everything? I need to decide but i dont know what to choose. Now all i can do is wait. Wait for a sign, telling me what to do. Wait for the inevitable. To stay or to leave. Thank you, my friend. For being my listening ear when no one is near. You've always been a good friend to me though we rarely spoke. I wish you could help me choose my decision but it seems this is a choice i have to make on my own. Thank you once again and goodbye, my old friend. Let us both see what time has to offer. What time will show us.

Emotions.

2011-10-16T23:49:00.002+08:00

It's been so long, but i'm back here again. I guess i should have come to you when i needed someone to listen to me, can't believe i forgot bout you. My old friend.

Today, i did something i regretted. I got piss at her for being piss. I know i should be there for her and all, but i did, i tried to calm her down. I didn't want her to be piss, i want her to keep calm and ignore all the fucking remarks given by others. I really didn't mean to get piss. I think it's cause I'm mad at myself, for not being able to cheer her up when she needs me most. I just wish for once i could see her smile when i comfort her, but i guess it'll never happen. Never for once i made her smile after she's piss, she's would always get even more piss after i asked her to calm down but when i'm piss she get worried and all when i get even more piss. How bout me? Don't i get worried when you're piss? Sigh.. I know it's unfair, but i guess that's how it is. It's always been unfair to me, but... I guess i love her too much to even bother bout this, i know i don't like it but i wouldn't EVER want to bring this up. She'll never know how i really feel. Yes, i do love her a lot. And it's because i love her, i shall keep this in the dark. For love. For her. I shall never mention about any of this. It's for the best.

You're a special one.

2011-05-27T02:00:00.002+08:00

I know we tend to fool around and you constantly feel that I'm playing around with your feeling, but.. I'm not. I really do love you. I've never in my life love someone so much with so much passion. Truly.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never made an effort to be a better boyfriend to you, i neglected you at times and ignore what you needed most. But from today on, i will strive myself to be a better boyfriend to you. I would patient and understanding, I would sit down and listen and tend to your every needs, be there when you need me most and tell you everything's gonna be alright. I would do all those and more for you just to see your precious smile. That smile... A smile that cannot be compared to a thousand angels. A smile that i lovelier than the perfectly blossom rose. A smile so magnificent, it warms my heart each time i see it. That lovely smile, is worth being a better boyfriend to you. And i will be a better boyfriend.

Rychiaf, for all the mistakes i've done in the past. You really deserve none other than the best, and i'll be the best. For you.

Loving Two Lovers

2010-12-26T03:10:00.002+08:00

Whoever said you can choose who to love is definitely wrong. Love comes and go like how the weather changes, you would never know who you'll love next just like you would never know when it'll rain. Right now... My heart has been split into two. I'm with someone right now and I've love her dearly, she is understanding and loving, beautiful and caring. There is nothing bad to say about her and i would never want to leave her. BUT. There is someone else.. Who is somewhat like her but maybe better, let's call the first girl, S and the second one B. Well... Long before I'm with S, i was in love with B but i did not tell her. I was neither very close to her cause i didn't want to show any affection and ruin the relationship we have as friends, yet my feelings for her grew stronger as i get to know her and i still conceal my feelings towards her due to the fact that i didn't want her to feel any awkwardness between us. And suddenly... S came along, she used to be with me but we broke up about a year ago and a few months ago we starting talking. I tried to use S to cover my feelings for B, so i keep talking to S more and more and try to grow feelings for her to suppress my feelings for B and it work. A few weeks ago me and S are together again. Then... Outta no where, me and B started becoming very close and i told her about my feelings for her, she told me she feels the same but i have no idea whether to believe or not. Regardless of the fact I'm with S, my feelings for B never died. I told B i regretted not showing my affection to her sooner. Though i'm madly in love with B right now i'll still treat S the same till we're apart yet again. B, i love you for you who are, and i would be honored if in the future and if fate shall allow us.. I would show you my love for you, and would tell you how much i really love you. S, i'm sorry. I still love you and would wanna be with you, but B has the bigger part of my heart, nothing will change between us and i would be with you for as long as i could. I love you.

Why am i feeling this?

2010-12-09T01:47:00.000+08:00

I've been constantly feel that i'm alone, but i wonder why? I have friends, i have families, and i have someone to love.. But why do i still feel this pain inside of me? Why do i always feel the need to be loved? Why do i always feel so empty on the inside? I need to know.. I need to know what's been missing in my life right now. The constant feeling of being wanted and being yearned for. The sad emptiness inside of me never seems to be filled up with joy and laughter. Even when i smile, i still feel a pain of sadness within that joyous smile everyone sees. What am i missing? The pain inside is torturing and it's tearing me apart. Why do i feel so... So... So lost on the inside? Depression seems to be only thing that keeps me going yet killing me at the same time. Can i not be cured of this insanity? Will my nightmares one day stop haunting me? I guess only time will tell..

Nightmares

2010-12-09T01:44:00.000+08:00

The night was beautiful that night, it was pure black. There was no stars, no moon, not a glimpse of light shinning from the black cloth covering the earth. On that night.. The wind was blowing gently on my skin, feel the cold air touching my skin as though a corpse was caressing my face with it frozen undead bones. The view was magnificent... No words could describe how amazing the view was. The cars were tiny, the people like ant, and the tress like weeds. Yes.. I on the top of a building roof, looking down at the barren road, staring into the magnificence of God's wondrous creations. My eyes start to shut tight, my palm putting close to my heart while feeling every single beat, and I lean forward, slowly. Inch by inch and slowly..... I felt the wind slowly tearing my skin away. I open my eyes and see the road moving closer and closer, then I realise... I was falling. Deeper and deeper into darkness. The only thought in my mind was nothing but HER. I accepted the truth that I was all over and that smile was my final smile to her. Tears flow down my eyes while I fall and all of a sudden... I woke up.

I woke up with tears on my eyes and sweat on my face. It was yet another dream bout her. A dream about seeing her for the last time. I thank god that it was just a dream but curse that i wish i was dead. I couldn't bear this pain, constantly one nightmares after another. And each time is about her. How I wish i could just end this pain and tell her everything that is on my mind. But... I have no choice. I have to keep it as my secret, till my deathbed. I just wish... I could see her in my dreams again, but not like this. Never like this...

((The original was posted on September 26, 2010. I re-posted due to my own reason)

Pain.Sorrow.Tears.

2010-08-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

I just wish it would all go away. The pain the tears the sorrows. It's causing me nothing but sorrow. I might put my friends as my first priority and it's cause of one and one reason only. It's cause they understand me more than you do. Why so? Cause they asked and they get concern. What do you all do then? You all don't bother bout me and that's it. I don't want anything fancy, like a car or cash. All i want is your understanding and your concern. Nothing else... I just..... Want to know that you all are really my family and not just people i live with. I just want to know the my home is a place where I can feel safe and happy, and not just a place to sleep at night and be sheltered by rain or sun. I don't request for anything. Frankly, i don't ask much from you all. I've never asked anything from you all. So why are you people treating me this way? Sigh..

Joy For Fuck

2010-06-14T02:51:00.000+08:00

I know it's been very long sine I last posted something but recently, i've just remembered this place where all my pain and sadness goes to. I couldn't take it anymore.. All these pain, these hatred. I want it to all go away! I don't wanna live in this life no more, i want something subtle. Something peaceful.. I couldn't stand the constant disappointment and anger tossing towards me. I can't take the fact that day in and day out. I've to wake up and sleep feeling nothing bout sadness. I don't wanna keep on feeling i'm insignificant in this life. I need nothing but joy, but each time joy comes, A bulldozer of sadness and hatred comes tumbling down on me. God.. Just hear me out. Listen to my prayers. Even if i'm not worthy, just help me. Please save me from all these madness, i beg thee.

Difference In Intellect

2010-01-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

I know you people have a higher level education than me. I know you people have the skills to go overseas just to further your studies. And yes... I'm fucking jealous of you people. But that doesn't mean you have to keep on saying you will 'stoop down' to MY level to talk to me. What the fuck is the meaning of this? Is it cause I'm so bloody stupid that I can't have a conversation with you people? Do you know how much it hurts when you all say such things. It's like you all are all high up and I'm stuck below. You all don't know how much I wish I have brain like you people. I don't wish to have such low intellect, who even wants stupidity to be in them? Even retards wish they have normal brains, so why are you people treating us normal people as though we are mentally challenge? If you really don't like talking to us, just say so.. We won't bother you guys. Don't talk to us then laugh at us for being in a total different level than you guys. Please... No one likes to be looked down. Maybe no one every looked down on you guys before, but just so you all know. It fucking hurts. We don't want to be this way, and we don't wish to be this way.

A Better Man For You

2010-01-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

I wish...

That I had been a better man.
That I had loved you more.
That I had treated you better.
That I had been the man you wanted.
That I had never said those words.
That I had always been there for you.
That I had what you always wanted.
That I had the things you require.
That I had said I love you sooner.

I will never regret, but all I can do is hope for the best and pray for a miracle. I've always love you, yet... I guess my love is not enough or it's just that I'm not good enough. Either way.... I will always try my best for you. Like I once said... I would throw away everything just for you. Even if it's just plain foolish, I still stand for my words. You are worth everything to me. I love you, these are the most simplest word and the most sincere word I could say to you... I really hope everything will be better in the future, but for now... The present is nothing but a thorn in my back and a pain in my heart.

Unforgetable You

2010-01-01T22:04:00.000+08:00

I know this is unorthodox but I still love you. Though I have someone in my life right now, I still thinking bout you everyday. Though I wish her good night before I sleep, I whisper a silent good night to you beneath my breath. Though you once loved me, I still love you as much as I used to. I always wanted to be in your life, no matter what it takes. A single yes can change the course of time itself, I just want you to say yes and those things clinging onto me shall vanished into thin air. I'll not be with her once you accepted me into your life. Oh how I wish I could be with you, I still dream of you every now and then... You don't know how much I love you and miss you right now. Sigh... Why wouldn't the world shine on me while the world shines on others?

A Hole In My Heart

2009-11-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

When you told me you love me, I felt as though my world was in the skies.
When you hugged me, I felt the warmth coming outta your body.
When you kiss me, I felt as if I've been frozen in time.
When you said you won't leave me, I felt as though we'll be together forever.

But........ Our story will never end in a happy ending.

You told me you love me, yet you have deserted me.
You walk away from me, and I can't feel your grasp anymore
You didn't show your face anymore, and what I feel is only pain and sadness.
You left me all alone, and now..... I feel lost and all alone.
I rather die then to live a world without you, you gave me a purpose to look forward for tomorrow. But now I don't know whether will there be a tomorrow.

I love you. I miss you. I need you.

Reminiscing About The Past

2009-11-08T00:17:00.000+08:00

Reminisce... Everyone does it, but for a certain reason or just to kill time. But for me.. I do it cause in my life, there are many many mistakes I've made and truly regretted it. One of the mistakes I've made and regretted it up till this point is..... Letting one of my greatest girl I've meet go to waste. I was once together with this girl. It's very hard to describe how wonderful she is.. The first time I laid eyes on her was when I was working, she is the type of person you can't just see once. She is a tall lady-like women, and the way she talk can make any guy fall to her feet. Her attitude is just magnificent, I really don't know how to describe her. All I know is... I didn't treat her well. I know I should have but I didn't, and I've miss a really big opportunity. We were a sweet couple, to be honest. The things we did while we were both together will be the sweetest memory I shall not ever forget. But we weren't made for each other.. I really miss her. I saw her a few days ago and I wanted to greet her for I missed her a lot, but when I was about to do so.. I saw her with another man. My heart was instantly shattered, not into pieces but dust.. Literally dust. I almost broke down and cried right on the spot, but I had to hold it in and tell myself that it was all over. Sigh... I guess what my friend said is right. "Sometimes opportunity is only given once". And I guess I won't ever be with her again..............

Love sucks at time.. But we all need them.

2009-10-15T02:39:00.000+08:00

Baby, I love you. I don't know why but i just do, i wont say you mean everything to me cause i practically say that all the time to the rest and i want you to be the most special one. I just wanna tell you that i've fallen for you since a long time ago, but something was holding me back. I know i said i'm happy when you wanna persue your dream but if you do, i won't see you at all and you would definately DEFINATELY find someone better, without a doubt. You once ask why i treat you so well yet you can't even answer me whether you wanna be my girlfriend or not. Well... The reason i do is cause i don't want you to leave me, i hope you don't but i got a strong feeling you're gonna leave me really soon. I don't know what else to say but........ I love you and i mean it. I hope you'll always be mine. =]

The Screwed Up Post

2009-10-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

It's just not fair.. Why do they always get what they want but i never get what i want? Sigh.. Is it cause i dont always demand for stuff like they do? Do you want me to do down onto my knees and beg for the stuff i wanna own? I wont do it.. You know what!? I rather pay for all my stuff and not be like them.. I rather be the independent guy that i know i am, i dont wanna depend on you guys for support. I dont need it and i dont want it. I may not be fair, but at least i know how to take care of myself and not spend on your welfare. You want me to spend own my own money yet you dont allow me to go make some money. What kinda shit rule is that? Come on.. I know you all hate me so much, why not let me leave alone with myself? Sigh... I really dont understand you guys at all, a minute you say you love me, but the second i turn around....... You all start to curse me and wish i was buried six feet under. Sigh... I really dont understand. I just wanna know why you all treat me like this.................

No Privacy In My life

2009-09-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

I'm so fucking piss right now. Fuck!!!!! Can't I have my own world where no one would interfere with my life at all? Can't I just post something somewhere where no one would know? Sigh.. Thank God those ppl I know don't give a shit bout blogs. At least I get to release my anger and sadness here without anyone knowing who I am. Well... Why did I started using this blog? It started of like this.... A few days ago, I had a fight with my mum. I was god damn piss but I didn't yell at her or anything, so I just post something on facebook and I didn't imply anyones name on it until on of my friend ask who is was. I just said my mum.. Thats it. And what did you know!!! Everyone who knows my mum called her and fucking complain bout this shit to her. Like.. Come on!!!!!! I didn't fucking whack her or anything, why the fuck must you ppl call her for no fucking reason. GOD DAMN IT!!! Can't I have a lil privacy in my life?? Sigh...