Time.

They said that time is the most powerful and precious gift given to men. Indeed it is, but.. Do we utilize it well? No one can have more or less than 24 hours per day, it's the given rule by God. But then... Why do others crave for more? Why does she want more of my time when she knows that my time is limited. Don't i give her enough? All my spare time i have, i gave it all to her. The reason why i gave up sleep is just so that i could be there for her when she has nightmares, but till now she has never seen that effort i put out. Is it cause i've not given enough? But why do i feel so pressured? Am i getting bored of her? Don't i love her enough? Sigh.. These question can never have an answer to match.

Bunneh, why have you suddenly become like this? I really need to know. Frankly, I'm tired and stress most of the time because of this relationship. I keep on feeling that i've not given enough, because if i have i don't think you'll constantly complain. Or is it because we've been together for so long that you yearn for more of my attention. Whatever is it, i hope we solved it.

PS : I'm glad we did, though i really wish it would last longer and not just for a short period of time. I love you, bunneh. And i wouldn't want to lose you. (:

I'm afraid.

I think i impregnated her. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Why didn't i ask her to buy the morning after pill? What made me change my mind. Fuck. I'm really scared, i don't want her to be pregnant. Why? Cause i'm not ready. Yes, i love her and would marry her if i could, but it's not the time. Please. Just this once, just help me. I've never been more afraid in my life than this. God, i know i doubt your existence and challenge your ways. But please, if you're out there. Help me just this once. I promise, i'll quit smoking and start having faith in you if you just not make this happen. I'm really scared. Please. I don't want to be like my cousin, i don't want to be look down by everyone. I really need your help this time. Please God, if your out there. Just help me. I really need your help. I don't know who to turn to for this. Please. Help me.

Who am i?

This is not the first time such a question has cross through my mind. For a long time, i've been asking myself. Who am I? This might sound really stupid but it's true. I portray myself to others as a intelligent creative and quick thinking person, but in fact i'm just another guy seeking for attention. Craving for people's attention so i would feel special. In my mind, i know it is wrong to be what i am now but ever since young i've been doing so. Lying, hiding and twisting every words coming out of my mouth. I can't stop thinking why do i do what i do? Is it a habit? Or is it just what i truly am? A faker and a lying, a artificial person trying to make people think I'm genuine? I know most of the things i saw are not true, are all but lies to make people think i'm someone great. But is it really worth it? I can't sleep more often ever since that night. That night where i tried to create a therapist in my mind. Even in my mind, i'm a liar. How can i be true to myself when i can't even tell myself the truth. All those lies i've once told and retold, are constantly on my mind, the guilt i keep feeling are getting bigger and bigger. I'm not who i am but why do i want to be this person i'm not? I still don't have the answer to that. My chest and my shoulders are getting heavier from all this guilt. Why can't i stop lying? It doesn't make me feel any better but i still keep doing it. I really don't know what to do now, sitting here and talking to you is my only option left at this time but i know you can't help me. I can't tell anyone the lies i've once told, no one would ever believe me anymore. Frankly... I pity the boy who cried wolf, i guess i know how he really felt now. The grief and anguish from everyone once they found out. Sigh. I just wish i could let it out, but to whom? No one would ever look at me the same. I really don't know what to say anymore, i guess.... My existence in this world is just unnecessary, i really feel like giving it all up. On life itself, but i'm afraid of death. And the aftermath it will cause on this world. Why didn't it just ended it then? During the car crash. But i guess, if i did i wouldn't realize about this. Maybe God is just making me suffer for what i've once done, and what i'm doing. It's the only conclusion that makes sense, i guess. Whatever it is, i just wish someone could help me. I don't like what i am now, and i don't know how to turn it all around. Someone out there, please help me. I cannot go through with all this guilt. I cannot take it anymore. Please help me.

Decision.

I don't know who to turn to anymore, the more i seek for advise the more doubtful my choices are. Thank you for always being here for me, my old friend. I really don't know what to do anymore. To let go or to hang on. I truly love her, regardless of how stressful and how painful it is at times but i still love her no matter what. My friend, what am i suppose to do? I've told myself this.. A selfish man would hold on to what's dear to him but harm it at the same time, but a selfless man would let go on what's dear to him and harm him instead of it. My heart is telling me not to let go for i may regret but what if holding onto her is what is making me regret instead? We've been together for more than a year now and i've brought nothing but sadness to her. Nothing but lies and deceit, pain and agony, suffering and despair. Though she says i've given her joy and happiness but through what she has said earlier... I've sense no happiness. No joy. No love. I've given her nothing but i've gain everything. I've been a selfish man for a year and yet have not seen the truth till today. My friend... What must i do? To continue to be a selfish man i was, or be a selfless man and give up my everything? I need to decide but i dont know what to choose. Now all i can do is wait. Wait for a sign, telling me what to do. Wait for the inevitable. To stay or to leave. Thank you, my friend. For being my listening ear when no one is near. You've always been a good friend to me though we rarely spoke. I wish you could help me choose my decision but it seems this is a choice i have to make on my own. Thank you once again and goodbye, my old friend. Let us both see what time has to offer. What time will show us.

Emotions.

It's been so long, but i'm back here again. I guess i should have come to you when i needed someone to listen to me, can't believe i forgot bout you. My old friend.

Today, i did something i regretted. I got piss at her for being piss. I know i should be there for her and all, but i did, i tried to calm her down. I didn't want her to be piss, i want her to keep calm and ignore all the fucking remarks given by others. I really didn't mean to get piss. I think it's cause I'm mad at myself, for not being able to cheer her up when she needs me most. I just wish for once i could see her smile when i comfort her, but i guess it'll never happen. Never for once i made her smile after she's piss, she's would always get even more piss after i asked her to calm down but when i'm piss she get worried and all when i get even more piss. How bout me? Don't i get worried when you're piss? Sigh.. I know it's unfair, but i guess that's how it is. It's always been unfair to me, but... I guess i love her too much to even bother bout this, i know i don't like it but i wouldn't EVER want to bring this up. She'll never know how i really feel. Yes, i do love her a lot. And it's because i love her, i shall keep this in the dark. For love. For her. I shall never mention about any of this. It's for the best.

You're a special one.

I know we tend to fool around and you constantly feel that I'm playing around with your feeling, but.. I'm not. I really do love you. I've never in my life love someone so much with so much passion. Truly.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never made an effort to be a better boyfriend to you, i neglected you at times and ignore what you needed most. But from today on, i will strive myself to be a better boyfriend to you. I would patient and understanding, I would sit down and listen and tend to your every needs, be there when you need me most and tell you everything's gonna be alright. I would do all those and more for you just to see your precious smile. That smile... A smile that cannot be compared to a thousand angels. A smile that i lovelier than the perfectly blossom rose. A smile so magnificent, it warms my heart each time i see it. That lovely smile, is worth being a better boyfriend to you. And i will be a better boyfriend.

Rychiaf, for all the mistakes i've done in the past. You really deserve none other than the best, and i'll be the best. For you.

Loving Two Lovers

Whoever said you can choose who to love is definitely wrong. Love comes and go like how the weather changes, you would never know who you'll love next just like you would never know when it'll rain. Right now... My heart has been split into two. I'm with someone right now and I've love her dearly, she is understanding and loving, beautiful and caring. There is nothing bad to say about her and i would never want to leave her. BUT. There is someone else.. Who is somewhat like her but maybe better, let's call the first girl, S and the second one B. Well... Long before I'm with S, i was in love with B but i did not tell her. I was neither very close to her cause i didn't want to show any affection and ruin the relationship we have as friends, yet my feelings for her grew stronger as i get to know her and i still conceal my feelings towards her due to the fact that i didn't want her to feel any awkwardness between us. And suddenly... S came along, she used to be with me but we broke up about a year ago and a few months ago we starting talking. I tried to use S to cover my feelings for B, so i keep talking to S more and more and try to grow feelings for her to suppress my feelings for B and it work. A few weeks ago me and S are together again. Then... Outta no where, me and B started becoming very close and i told her about my feelings for her, she told me she feels the same but i have no idea whether to believe or not. Regardless of the fact I'm with S, my feelings for B never died. I told B i regretted not showing my affection to her sooner. Though i'm madly in love with B right now i'll still treat S the same till we're apart yet again. B, i love you for you who are, and i would be honored if in the future and if fate shall allow us.. I would show you my love for you, and would tell you how much i really love you. S, i'm sorry. I still love you and would wanna be with you, but B has the bigger part of my heart, nothing will change between us and i would be with you for as long as i could. I love you.